How I've Proved Him O'er and O'er

I just wanted to remember that today, when I feel so anxious and on edge that the ribs around my heart will not stop aching and the muscles in my neck have forgotten how to stop contracting, my patient told me that "it's so relaxed in here," referring to my office. Lord! I am so thankful that it is YOU who touch these patients and not ME. It is YOUR presence they remember, not mine. Help me to trust You more.

Song of the day: "'Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus" by Louisa Stead

I Can't Think of a Song

How odd. I don't think that's happened in the life of this blog before.

I read a Wall Street Journal article last night called "Where Have All the Good Men Gone?" It was so sad, I thought I would cry at the end. Do men really feel like they have no role in society? They aren't the only hunter/gatherers any more, and they rarely have to run any gauntlet to prove to themselves and the world that they are worthy of manhood. As a woman, I know what it's like to feel loneliness, and powerlessness even, but I've never known the feeling of pointlessness. I would probably avoid thinking about it via beer and video games too. But the strange thing is that as hard as I try to function in such as way as prevents me from ever needing anyone (most certainly any man), this article made me realize that men ARE needed. They are NEEDED. I can pay my mortgage. I can buy my own groceries. I can travel wherever I want to go. When there's a spider hanging from my living room ceiling, I kill it because I HAVE to, and I HATE that. I need a man to kill the bugs that get into my house! I need a man to figure out why the pipes in the shower are making weird noises. I need a man to tell me what I need to tune up on my car. I need a man to take me out to dinner, and buy me presents. Of course I can afford dinner and presents, but I am unable to take myself out. I need a man to tell me when I'm being irrational. The very essence of irrational thinking is that a person doesn't know when it's happening! And I need a man to point it out. I need a man to tell me when I do something right, because I don't always know. I do need a man. And that's more liberating to my feminity than anything else has been.

You Are My Only Hope

We are studying the Psalms of Assent in Bible study. I woke up with this song in my head. I don't feel good today. I can't sleep when I'm coughing all night. It's strange that I don't feel despair like I sometimes do when I feel so physically sick that I don't want to be at work and don't want to pick my head up off the pillow. Lord, I'm thankful for that. You have sustained me and do sustain me today. When I want someone to take care of me, make me want You before anything else. When I feel sick and want someone to look out for me, make me remember that You look out for me, and You're far more capable of looking out for all the different angles than anyone else.

Song of the day: "I Lift My Eyes Up (Psalm 121)" by Brian Doerksen

Good Night Darlin'

Starting to feel pretty good and normal again. I think it takes me about 7 months.

Song of the day: "Boys from the South" by the Pistol Annies

No Dawn, No Day

Waiting. Waiting. Waaaaaaiting. That truly is more difficult than making a decision. Even a bad decision feels more comfortable than waiting. At least there's certainty in a bad decision. It ends badly. But at least it ends. Like a house fire. Or a natural disaster. Knowing there's a hurricane inching closer and closer is very nearly unbearable. But once it hits and breaks down your walls and your ceilings, at least you then have a task at hand that you know you can accomplish. You can pick up debris. You can strip insulation and tear down rotten beams and pull up soaked carpet. You can use your hands and your legs and your muscles and your mind. And then you can sit back and look at what you've done. Of course, maybe waiting doesn't always end in a hurricane. Sometimes, I think I've seen it end in a rainbow.

Song of the day: "Cosmic Love" by Florence + the Machine

Scared of Tornadoes, Scared of Being Alone

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" Isaiah 30:21

I was going to start this entry saying I've gotten to practice being okay without affirmation from him, with turning off my intuition and believing the best about people, with trying to stop expecting good things to come to an end, and with knowing he really is trying to do what's best by me. I just need to trust him. But then I've suddenly decided, I don't want to be so focused on him, you know? I just want my heart to be turned to the Lord, knowing that HE will tell me which way to go, even what to say, and what to do! I want to know peace with the LORD, not just with another person. Lord, I feel like there's so much I need to be freed from, and that I feel utterly and totally incapable of fixing, powerless to overcome! But isn't that the best place to be, really? Isn't that just where You want us? Isn't that where Your strength is made PERFECT, in my weakness?? I've known this all my life, yet somehow I've forgotten.

Song of the day: "I Want to Go Home" by Isabella Bird

Deliver Us From These Prisons

Song of the day: "Your Love Is Strong" by Jon Foreman

Ahhh, peace today. That's what I feel. I thought I'd lost it there for a while. I thought I'd gone right back to the start, to where I was a few months ago, all strung out and twisted up and tight and fearful. But it wasn't as bad, just a few more links up the slinky, and I've once again learned to stop trusting my intuition. It is one hypersensitive intuition that, as a result, is often wrong about people. People will tell you when something's upsetting them, usually. It's impossible to crawl inside anyone else's cranium and imagine just how they hear, absorb, feel about, and respond to something I say or do. 'Tis the simplest concept in the world! But oh, how I thought I could be safe from pain if I could make that impossible feat possible. Everyone would always see me as perfect, never getting it wrong, and thus forever loving and being awed by me. That is literally bananas.

The Greatest Secret

"To love in spite of all is the secret of greatness, and may very well be the greatest secret in this universe."

Please, let me be more beloved than bitterness.

Psalm 138

Second blog of the day.

Praise the Lord! I am THANKFUL for where I am today. I am THANKFUL for this situation, my heart, my mind, my soul. I know He's promised to be with me, to work in my life and change my heart into the likeness of Christ, so where I am today is GOOD. It's indicative that He is with me. And the fact that He is with me is indicative that this is intentional. It's all one big circle. And I praise the Lord!

Waking Up and Trying

Things I need to work on this year, even though it's already April:

1. I have GOT to be nicer to this one particular coworker who drives me nuts. She's not doing it on purpose and she doesn't mean any harm. There is no reason for me to avoid her the way I do, or keep my responses short the way I do. It's just her personality that rubs me the wrong way, clashes with mine, or simply annoys me. I have to be nice to her.

2. I have got to become a selfless person. Most-- in fact, EVERYTHING-- that I do stems from some self-serving motivation. Do I want to hang out with a friend? Yes, that would make me happy. Do I NOT want to hang out with a friend? Yes, that would not be fun for me. Do I want to take care of you, or do I just want you to want me? Do I want to serve in this particular area? I don't know-- would it serve my idea of service??

Lord help me.

Song of the day: "Kingdom Comes" by Sara Groves.

Waking Up and Trying

Things I need to work on this year, even though it's already April:

1.

Hopes Like Summer Roses

Song of the day: "Oh Heart Bereaved and Lonely" by Fanny Crosby

I'm Done

Here's what I heard last night: "the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." Then I heard that that means I am not a substance to be used and discarded once its purpose is fulfilled, like a paper towel, or the scrubbed-down end of a pencil eraser. I remember deciding in World History class, 9th grade, that I would consistently fulfill the empty "listener" slot in the lives of my friends, and at some point that expanded to the slots of anyone with whom I came into contact. All people are desperate to be heard, I learned. Now it's no longer a deliberate choice of mine but an involuntary activity, the autonomic nervous system causing me to breathe, and to blink, and to regulate my blood pressure. Okay. Well at least now I know it. So what is there to replace the seemingly faulty belief that I am nothing but potential energy, a purpose waiting to be fulfilled, and useless after this? How can I consciously alter my blood pressure? I know that God loves me. And now I exist to enjoy that.

Song of the day: "Farewell" by Rosie Thomas

Everything That Could Be Shaken Was Shaken

My favorite time of day at my office is early morning. There's a stillness, a freshness, an anticipation of all the ups and downs that the day will bring and a satisfaction knowing I'll go home when it's done. Light and sound is softer. It's gentle. That's how I want to be.

Song of the day: "Home" by Rich Mullins

Maybe Tomorrow Will Be Better-- Can I Call You Then?

Just to make sure I don't get confused again: I do know this was the right time to do this. I know it had to be done, for me, and for him. I remember having a gut feeling about it last weekend. I remember suddenly knowing this was the way it was going to have to end-- at least for right now. He has to know what he wants, and I have to say what I need. I keep thinking I was wrong, and silly, and selfish. That may be true, but one thing I do know, or am growing to know more, is that I am worth coming after. I am worth working for. I am, thanks be to God. Lord, I need patience, and he needs a healed heart. Can You give us those things?

Song of the day: "Colder Weather" by the Zac Brown Band

There's More That Rises in the Morning Than the Sun

I am not a servant to you, figuring out what my job is for the day. I am a daughter, and a sister, and you are my brothers, the ones I make fun of, and ask to feed the dogs, and fight with, and know love me. And You are my Father.

Song of the day: "If I Stand" by Rich Mullins

I Don't Know Where You Are, and I Don't Know How You're Sleeping

I am going to practice only remembering the good things you said. I hate that my mind gets stuck on the things I don't fully understand. Stuck like that absurd boulder in 127 Hours, trapping my own ability to be free from myself. I guess it's time to saw my arm off.

You said you click with me, and you said you don't usually click with people, or even like people. You said that was significant to you. You said you don't want me to pull away or distance myself or run screaming in the other direction. You said I can bring up anything I want to, and I don't have to think about it so hard-- I should just bring it up. You said you're an open book and I can ask you anything. You said you're not with me because you feel obligated to be. You always ask me what I'm thinking about. You notice when I'm quiet, and you bring it up. You are a tremendous human being. And you want to be with me. Well I want to be with you too. Maybe you're even as insecure as I am sometimes.

Song of the day: "Wounds of Love" by Rich Mullins