I come home from Bible study on Monday nights with such a longing to write in my journal, to make permanent the feelings and thoughts I experienced, to keep those things from slipping away by transposing them into words on a page-- but then I'm tired and go to bed.
It was hard to come back from New York after Thanksgiving. I once again re-experienced that old struggle with believing my life is boring, that by virture I am boring, and that if I dye my hair back to its natural color, nothing will ever make me stand out again. And I was very sad, and very restless. It only lasted two days. These things are never permanent, and that I must remember. But what I don't want to forget is that no one else has the power to take away the things I know about myself-- that I can't give away that power to someone else. If I do, it will take me right back to the way things were before. I am NEVER going back there.
Sometimes I think the reason I wish I were a farmer in the middle of Montana one hundred and fifty miles away from anyone else is that then I wouldn't know whether or not my life was boring. I'd have nothing to compare it to. I would just be.
Song of the day: "Holland Road" by Mumford & Sons
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Sowing and Reaping
I stole that title from Kelly Bourque's blog. She wrote about how she was talking to her husband, feeling like her work as a therapist was feeling "heavy," asking him if it was always like this and whether it would get any better. His response was that she does always feel heavy when starting a new relationship with a client. She's sowing. Eventually she will begin reaping, and seeing the value in what she does.
Today is the first day in my new job that I saw TWO different clients who are both so stable, and doing so much better than the first day I saw them. The first is a 19-year-old girl who had been told her whole life that she has bipolar disorder, always in trouble and fighting and arguing, only to now find out that she is a pleasant, sweet, enjoyable girl who has depression as a result of uncontrolled ADHD. She is wonderful, and her mom is supportive, and they both are happy, and she takes Concerta and Celexa faithfully. The second is a woman in her 40's who came to see me in one of the most severe depressive states I have ever seen. It was difficult to even hold her attention, or redirect her thoughts, due to her nearly-spent overactive autonomic nervous system. After much education and encouragement, she is a bright-faced, well-slept, highly functional individual now who takes Remeron every night before bed and enjoys her life. It's true! The sowing is difficult, and tiring, and seemingly hopeless as you look across the expanse of dead, gray soil exhibiting no signs of life but only of fallow death. But the sprouts are starting to push through, and soon they will be tall and fruitful and filling the field with joyful green! It's hard to do this. But it's less hard when the reaping starts. Do not grow weary.
Today is the first day in my new job that I saw TWO different clients who are both so stable, and doing so much better than the first day I saw them. The first is a 19-year-old girl who had been told her whole life that she has bipolar disorder, always in trouble and fighting and arguing, only to now find out that she is a pleasant, sweet, enjoyable girl who has depression as a result of uncontrolled ADHD. She is wonderful, and her mom is supportive, and they both are happy, and she takes Concerta and Celexa faithfully. The second is a woman in her 40's who came to see me in one of the most severe depressive states I have ever seen. It was difficult to even hold her attention, or redirect her thoughts, due to her nearly-spent overactive autonomic nervous system. After much education and encouragement, she is a bright-faced, well-slept, highly functional individual now who takes Remeron every night before bed and enjoys her life. It's true! The sowing is difficult, and tiring, and seemingly hopeless as you look across the expanse of dead, gray soil exhibiting no signs of life but only of fallow death. But the sprouts are starting to push through, and soon they will be tall and fruitful and filling the field with joyful green! It's hard to do this. But it's less hard when the reaping starts. Do not grow weary.
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