Lies I Believed

Lord, I have realized how very ill-equipped I am for selflessness. I don't struggle with the same insecurities I used to have, or at least my struggles look different. I'm a little further up on the slinky.

But I still know that I'm on a journey, and I'm so compelled by this inward need to make certain something or other. Will my job need me next year? Or will they run out of funds and put me on hold? Should I cut and run now? But where will I run? Back to Centerstone? To Idaho? But what if I don't want to run to Idaho? And what if the reason I don't want to isn't because I love my job and my life so much here, but that I don't want to be the one to make the sacrifice? That I fear becoming an accessory on a hook by the front door, picked up when needed, check box checked? Or becoming powerless, submitting my life's direction to someone else? Or that I want to force another person to acknowledge that he needs me so badly that he would cast aside all of his former life just to come be a part of mine? There is real ugliness in my soul. Still there dwells selfishness. And all I thought I worked through, all I know I've overcome, has been worked through and overcome, but I guess now leaves room for the other issues to surface. Once you get done cleaning the bathroom, you need to dust the kitchen. And when that's done, you'll still need to scoop dog crap. After that, you'll want to wash the bed sheets and sweep the floor. There is no certainty! There is no final decision until death. All there are are small, daily decisions that you make moment by moment, second by second, and they don't make or break the rest of your life. They really don't. More than anything, they are instruction, an opportunity to learn and grow. Oh my gosh, I hope I get it right.

Song of the day: "Second Child, Restless Child" by The Oh Hellos