Gravity Always Wins

I need to journal more. I forget about my life so easily. I heard yesterday about a 22-year-old man with cerebral palsy who has perfect memory, all the way back to age 3 or something. I can't imagine that. Sometimes I hope that when we get to heaven, we'll get to look back over our lives and see why certain things happened, or what could have happened if something hadn't happened, or what the most important happenings in our lives were. Or maybe at that point we won't really care any more.

I need to figure out some things about my life. I feel like I'm currently in another of those life episodes in which you're sort of spinning your wheels. A holding pattern. Passing the time. Cognitively I know that's not true, and I hope what I'm doing here- in my job, my home, my friends- is mattering for eternity. But I feel like in the back of my mind this is a temporary position. I don't feel established in my career. I feel floaty and impermanent. I wish I could feel solid and permanent. Private practice? Inpatient drug and alcohol rehab? Indian Health Services? I don't know. And I battle inside myself, because I know that this position is meant to reach the neediest of the needy. I WANT to help the neediest. But I also want to feel solid and secure. Hmm. Maybe that's the problem.

Security may not be my ultimate calling in life. I long for it and desire it, but maybe that's a very earthly and fleshly desire. I tend to think of fleshly desires as those desires that are morally wrong and inherently sinful. Security is not sinful. But it is earthly. What would I gain from my perceived sense of security in my job? Peace of mind here on earth? Would that make me any more like Christ, or any more reliant on His provision and plan? Isn't that my ultimate calling? I think the point of life is to approach every day and every second with openness- not in an irresponsible way, but in a blank-slated way. What will this day bring? What will the Lord give me this second to face? It seems like life would feel more like an adventure when faced that way. But it also feels like non-reality. Hmm. Maybe I'll figure it out in the next second.

Song of the day: "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead